Craving Human Connection

It's found in the real world

When I was working with an agency a few years ago, I was asked to join a virtual meetup in a tool called Gather Town. I asked if it was optional and what the goal was. They said yes, it was optional — it was for team building. So I said "no thank you" and went back to work. I had deadlines that were more pressing. I got a reply of, "Thor, some of us crave connection."

Firstly, rude. Secondly, I do crave connection, but not through yet another team-building tool simulating in-office work.

Admittedly, I am a stoic. I am naturally a stoic, though I also practice the concepts and ideas around stoicism. This can make it seem like I am people-averse, while in reality I am just direct and unapologetically me. Like every human, I do crave human connection, but in person. The problem is, filling that cup is becoming harder than ever in the world we live in.

The team I mentioned above was 100% remote. They are scattered across a dozen time zones. While I have met a few of them in person, I have not been in the same room with 60% of them. While I do not see this as a problem, some do. So tools have been created to augment this. These tools, the "social" apps on your phones, and the endless glowing rectangles around us should connect us, but they don't. They drive a larger wedge between us, creating solutions for problems they caused.

Before the rise of social media and remote work, there were more places to be with people. There is a concept of third places. These are the places you would go to when you were not at work or home. Depending on your country or culture, this could have been your local pub, a coffee shop, or your barber/salon. It was common to frequent these places and just be with people. There didn't need to be an event or reason to be there. You were there to talk, commiserate, play, and practice social therapy. These places are disappearing, and we are building software to compensate.

The parts of the world that are less digitally connected are more connected than we ever could be.

While I have been thinking about this a lot, for a long time, it comes to the front of mind when I see a culture or community that is stuck in time. My wife and I just watched Tucci in Italy. The show is mainly about food, but it exposes that the parts of the world that are less digitally connected are more connected than we ever could be. Moving to the mountains of Italy sounds great, but it is not practical for most people.

I have always been pro-technology. I know the benefits of it, but I see the issues as well. Building yet another app or service is not the solution. If we look at these cultures stuck in time, they foster the idea of third places naturally. They find ways to get together, even if it is as simple as a meal. Let's be real — culture is rooted in food, so why not start there?

I also want to be clear that when I say connection, I do not mean to default to your given family. While it is harder than ever to build the connections we crave, defaulting to your family is not going to feed what we are looking for. We need connections with friends, teammates, coworkers. While family is great, they fill an adjacent cup, not the same cup.

Personally, I have been struggling with this a lot over the last 10 or so years. While I was working in retail, before shifting to tech, I had a lot of connections. Some were surface-level, but many were deeper. When I transitioned from retail to tech, a lot of those connections dropped off. They didn't understand the transition and thought I had to solely keep the friendships strong. That didn't feel right, so I let them wither.

In addition to that, I moved to the other side of the US — Florida to Washington state. And of course, the pandemic. This collision of events has left me and my wife with a few friends, but none of them are local. They are scattered across the US and the world. To add to this, most of our remaining friends are terrible at long-distance relationships. While they don't mean to be, it is just how they are.

I know that I am not alone. I see people talking about this a lot. I mainly come across this on social. People shout into the void, telling people how they feel. People respond, sharing their experiences and offering to meet. But no one trusts people anymore. We have built these tools to connect us across borders and barriers, yet they have made us trust each other less. It feels counterintuitive.

So how can we start forming new or strengthen existing connections? Lean back into our pre-social media primitives.

Join a sports team, maybe a book/film club. Hang out at your local salon or barber. Go to a coffee shop and read — don't work, read. Then get uncomfortable and talk to the table next to you. It could be about what they are reading, their dog, a sticker on their laptop. When your favorite sporting event is airing, watch it at a bar rather than at home. Maybe, just maybe, go back to working in the office, even if only a few days a week.

These things sound so basic, but we don't do them anymore. Our screens have sensitized us to the world. It all feels like too much, so we recoil.

I am not saying to throw your tech into the ocean and join a commune. While that can work, it's just too extreme for most people. We live in a world built around capitalism and technology. You can still embrace these things without letting go of your needs.

Personally, I am in a bit of a liminal space. But when things resettle, I plan on working hybrid for a company (I'll get more into that in the coming weeks), joining a sports team, and simply embracing the uncomfortable moments. Our tech, AI, and even our families cannot solve this problem. The simplest and proven methods are tried and true. Connection is found in the real world. Go out into it and engage with it.